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Monday, March 31, 2014

Laying Low

Well it appears it's been weeks since I've posted anything. I guess I've just been trying to keep my nose above the water line. I am very self conscious about being whiney so when life gets a little challenging I tend to hunker down, make myself as compact as possible and try not to be a bother. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to seem like I don't believe everything is going to be okay.

The only problem with keeping to myself is that when there's too much me I tend to believe my brain. I struggle with hurt feelings and childish reactions and knowing they are childish, I keep them to myself and feed them on the sly. Occasionally I'll tell someone about what I'm thinking/feeling but I absolutely do not let on that this is a big deal and then when they say the normal thing, "Oh she's just like that," or "I'm sure it wasn't personal," I put quotes around their friend title. You know, my dear "friend" so and so. I know that I'm not being rational, but knowing better doesn't flip a switch for me. There's some complicated process where things get worked out and I have no idea how to make it happen except that it starts with prayer and willingness.

It's interesting that this is where I am as we prepare for Easter. I'm trying to hang on to faith but there are dark thoughts and feelings that want to pull me down. The good news is, that I know the good news--there will be a new beginning. There will be an epiphany. I will get a fresh start. I know that because that's what comes after the darkness every single time. No exceptions. But in the meantime...peace, love and patience.

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