Dealing with my body, with my weight, with my health is overwhelming . It makes me cry so I push it waaaaaay back to the back of my brain and I try to focus on anything and everything else. I'm ashamed that I've let myself get so out of control and I'm really really really afraid that I will fail again. It's a constant struggle between feeling good about a positive choice and feeling really awful about how big I am and about how far I have to go to get "healthy." I keep reminding myself that I quit smoking this year (which is HUGE) and the very next thought is, and in the process you've eaten your way out of your clothes. And you know what that thought makes me want? A Marlboro and a Frappuccino. So I stop and I pray and I cry a little bit and I decide to do one thing better. Just one. And then I choose again. Just one thing. And then I do the next one thing...
I love to plan. I love coming up with systems and forms and tools for BIG changes. What I'm not so crazy about is following the plan. The twenty day clean plan (while brilliant) lasted about six days. One day at a time isn't just a cute cliche for people like me, it's the only way I can do life. It doesn't mean that I don't make plans or keep a calendar, it just means that the key to success for me is doing today to the best of my ability and letting tomorrow unfold when it comes. It also means that I get to choose my attitude today. I get to choose my outlook today. I get to choose what my focus is and how much energy I devote to productive things and that in and of itself, makes me feel just a little bit stronger than I did when I rolled out of bed this morning.
Peace, love & one day at a time!
