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Monday, April 12, 2010

Guess What?

"For everything spoken by God is possible." Luke 1:37

On Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I sent Big Daddy a picture of the test with the message, "Guess What?"

Since Friday, I've experienced every imaginable emotion from absolute joy to terror. I am told this is normal. I'm sceptical. I get excited and then the fear comes in giant waves and then I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and then I am nervous again. I feel utterly insane and I can't figure out what to do with myself. So I pray and then I work on my puzzle and then I talk on the phone and then I wander through the house. I set up an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow and while I was answering a bunch of questions, all of a sudden the nurse said, "How old ARE you???" All I could do was laugh, because it was a relief to hear someone finally say what I'm sure is being mumbled behind my back.

This morning I sat still and thought about Elizabeth, from the Bible. She was the mother of John the Baptist, and when Gabriel came to tell Mary that she was going to have Jesus, he used Elizabeth as an example of how God has a plan for us, even when think it's impossible. I have to keep reminding myself that Big Daddy and I made a conscious decision to trust God, and to let God decide if we should have a kid. God decided.

A friend once told me that the hardest prayer of all is, "Thy will be done," because when we truly surrender to God's will we give up all dellusions of control. I get to decide to eat three meals a day like I am supposed to. I get to decide to walk 15 minutes a day. I get to decide how much fear I am going to get in before I ask God to remove it. These are my responsibilities. The rest I can put in God's hands or I can wrestle with until I'm absolutely certifiable. Today I choose to trust and surrender and to remind myself that, "everything spoken by God is possible."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter Fun & Other Spring Things!

Big Daddy and I had the family over for Easter yesterday and other than a little scheduling snafu, it was a nice time. We had ham (made in the crockpot of course), baked potatoes, green beans & asparagus, home-baked chiabatta, and a lemon raspberry mousse dessert. The girls and I decorated eggs that I had blown so that I could save them as decorations for next year.

Spring has hit me in a lot of new ways this year. We've returned to church and that has opened and filled my heart in unexpected ways. I got very emotional in church yesterday and was overcome with the recognition of grace in my life. I've also started spring cleaning and attacked the master closet with a vengence. Today I cleaned the fridge and eventually I suspect the garage and I will have a show down.

I also began reading a book on marriage that has opened my eyes to the experiences we've gone through in the past six months in discovering things about ourselves and each other that have been surprising. While I think we've had a relatively easy go of it, it's still a huge change from dating and being engaged to being husband and wife.

Big Daddy and I are going to get a membership to the recreation center so that we can begin to take better care of ourselves and have a place to go swimming this summer. Money is going to be tight for awhile as we clean up the wreckage of some single decisions and mistakes so I'm taking steps to make some plans for the Spring and Summer so we can have fun while making responsible decisions as we go and grow forward.

The other thing that I'm going through is that a long-term friendship of mine is changing and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm learning to sit still and trust that what is supposed to happen will. Without going into too much boring detail, I have a friend that came into my life at a time when I really needed a friend and in the beginning we had so much fun! We don't live in the same town, so we met places and came to visit and sat up most of the night talking and we laughed and played and it was truly wonderful. Over the years things changed and we changed and the friendship has become more and more challenging for me. It feels like our friendship is this puppy we got together and it was so cute and we were so excited and everything that happened was adorable. And then the new wore off and the puppy came with responsibilities and my friend was happy to play with the puppy and teach it tricks and pet the puppy and I got to clean up after the dog and take care of the dog and feed the dog and take the dog to the vet and I'm just not in love with the dog anymore. Last week, things came to a head and my friend let me know that the puppy wasn't behaving (expecting me to do what I've always done) and I got mad and left the dog with my friend and I don't know if my friend is going to take care of the dog or give him away and what I've discovered is that there was a time when I needed to take care of the puppy because I needed that responsibility. Then I took care of the puppy because I was afraid my friend wouldn't. Now I'm not willing to take full responsibility and I'm having to find out if my friend is willing or able to participate and that feels rotten and irresponsible and a little mean. I wish I had handled this differently. I know my friend is feeling very blindsided by all of this and I am struggling with guilt because I didn't feel like I should have to say, "Hey, the dog chewed up a couch cushion," so that my friend would recognize that something needed to be done about the couch cushion and the dog. I have always thought that was common sense and I'm learning that responsibility isn't necessarily an innate skill. So I'm doing a lot of writing and some praying and I'm having to step out on faith to accept that God is providing for both of us no matter what the outcome of this situation is.

It's a time of new beginnings in a lot of areas of my life and I am grateful for things that have been dormant and are beginning to sprout again. I am also learning to accept that there are things that need to be cleared away as well. It's all a part of the big scheme and today I'm content to trust the Master Designer and the master design.