Monday, April 12, 2010
On Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I sent Big Daddy a picture of the test with the message, "Guess What?"
Since Friday, I've experienced every imaginable emotion from absolute joy to terror. I am told this is normal. I'm sceptical. I get excited and then the fear comes in giant waves and then I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and then I am nervous again. I feel utterly insane and I can't figure out what to do with myself. So I pray and then I work on my puzzle and then I talk on the phone and then I wander through the house. I set up an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow and while I was answering a bunch of questions, all of a sudden the nurse said, "How old ARE you???" All I could do was laugh, because it was a relief to hear someone finally say what I'm sure is being mumbled behind my back.
This morning I sat still and thought about Elizabeth, from the Bible. She was the mother of John the Baptist, and when Gabriel came to tell Mary that she was going to have Jesus, he used Elizabeth as an example of how God has a plan for us, even when think it's impossible. I have to keep reminding myself that Big Daddy and I made a conscious decision to trust God, and to let God decide if we should have a kid. God decided.
A friend once told me that the hardest prayer of all is, "Thy will be done," because when we truly surrender to God's will we give up all dellusions of control. I get to decide to eat three meals a day like I am supposed to. I get to decide to walk 15 minutes a day. I get to decide how much fear I am going to get in before I ask God to remove it. These are my responsibilities. The rest I can put in God's hands or I can wrestle with until I'm absolutely certifiable. Today I choose to trust and surrender and to remind myself that, "everything spoken by God is possible."