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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

In the Meantime...

These are my new friends. There's a couple of journals I bound myself (I am particularly fond of the one I made from a deconstructed cigar box. There are two travel watercolor sets (because what if something happened to one of them?), a spray bottle, some water brushes and a small cigar box with pens and pencils in it.

I am still sketching every day. This feeds something in me that needs feeding. I believe a part of this is my need to connect with my dad in a new way. I'm not painting for him. He can't see anymore and he's not present a lot of the time, but I suspect that it is some deeper connection--a shared love that I am celebrating. He inherited this love from his mother and I got it from him. I am sharing it with my nieces. It's a circle of life thing.

Speaking of Dad, I went to visit him on Sunday. Jill beat me there and she had him all wound up and talking. She's really good with him. She was asking him questions and he was really animated. It was good to see him happy. I'm glad I went and I'm especially glad Jill was there too. I wish I was better at interacting with him right now. I just have so many feelings about all of it that I get tangled up and I freeze. I'm going to have to face this anger to work through it. I don't do anger well. My M.O. is to stuff it and be surprised when it seeps from my pores. This isn't staying stuffed very well this time. It's making my body ache. I'm tired a lot. The waterworks have become more unpredictable. I know these are signs of depression, as we are well acquainted and the painting is a part of my treatment of that as well. Creative activities, soul feeding, help me slow down and listen to my thoughts without having them drag me around the block.

Poor Big Daddy has his own row to hoe himself. He's seven weeks into a job we thought was going permanent and the word is today that the family is still undecided. That's it. That's the only word. They don't tell him what's wrong, what they expect, what they'd like to see, nothing. There are a lot of very nice things about this job but seven weeks of wandering in the dark wondering what they want from him isn't one of the nice things. Seems like the Kelleys are just going to have to pull out the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope you are finding a quiet spot for reflection. Peace, love and watercolor.

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