The Magic Words: Please & Thank You

This morning I watched this TED talk and I knew I had to write about my experience with learning to ask. Back in the mid nineties I was moving from apartment to apartment in the same complex. For some reason I decided this would be an easy move. I didn't rent a truck. I only had a few boxes. I didn't need any help, thank you very much. I profoundly underestimated the magnitude of this task.

When I realized I was in over my head, I did what I do. I talked about it publicly. Several people came up to me and offered to help. I thanked them. One guy in particular (who seemed to know who he was dealing with) pressed his phone number in my hand and said, "I would consider it an HONOR to get to help you move. It is not an imposition. I WANT to help you." I took his number and promised I'd call him. I lied. I went back to my apartment and sat in the middle of the floor and cried as I stuffed things in trash bags to lug across the parking lot. At one point I was carrying a mattress on my back across the parking lot at three in the morning when the wind caught it and I wound up on my back, on the mattress in the parking lot and I was dangerously close to a psychotic break. I called a mentor of mine and admitted that it wasn't that I didn't want help, the problem was that I couldn't make myself ask. Something was stuck inside and it wouldn't allow the words out.

Today, I know what was blocking me: my pride.

My spiritual adviser said, "Don't you realize that it's just as selfish to deny someone they joy of being of service as it is to see an opportunity to help and ignore it?" I'd never really thought of it that way. I'd always thought of needing help as something shameful but in my heart I always envied those people who didn't seem to have to ask, the girls who could say "I'm cold!" and guys couldn't get their letter jackets off fast enough to fix it. So I carried my own boxes, opened my own door, changed my own tires and built my own little fortress where I prayed...

Now before I go any further, please know that I am not advocating whiny helplessness. We all know people who expect life to cut their meat and peel their orange for them. Those people are annoying. You guys are not those annoying people. You guys are my people. Now back to our regularly scheduled blog.

I prayed a lot but I prayed for God to "fix it" and God sent boats and helicopters while I sent them away and watched the flood waters rising. Then one day something happened. One day I revised my plan and I revised my prayer. One day I said, "God, I don't know what to do, but I believe that you know what I need. You know where I am. I need your help. Please." Then the help came disguised as work and I said, "thank you." Sometimes the help comes disguised as something I'd love to do, sometimes it comes as something I'm afraid to do, and sometimes it comes as something I'm not sure I can do but it's help all the same.

I am not alone. I am not designed to do it all myself. I need and want help. This is the plan.

Just today I posted my special deals for Small Business Saturday. I'm sure there are some who are tired of seeing us plug our business on Facebook and I'm really okay if they hide me from their news feed or completely nuke me from their friends list but I'm not going to stop asking for help and I'm not going to stop offering to help. I believe that's what we're supposed to do. Thanks to all of you who let me know I'm not alone. Thanks to all who share my stuff and thanks to those who remind me that it's okay to ask for what you need. Peace, love and "BUY LOCAL!"

Pie Oh My!

I'm obsessed. Several months ago I had a customer call me to order a chocolate cream pie. I assured her I could make a KILLER chocolate cream pie and I kept it to myself that I had never in my life made an anything cream pie. The good news is that I did a quick little internet search and I found a recipe that is both easy and good (it turns out chocolate cream pie isn't rocket science) and not only did my customer love it, she's ordered four more pies since I made her the first one. Just out of curiosity I made one for Big Daddy and me and yeah, that's a darn good pie!

AUNTIE HOOTS KILLER CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE

For crust

• I just buy a graham cracker crust. You can make one if you're feeling it, but I just buy one already made.

For filling

• 2/3 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup cornstarch
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 4 large egg yolks
• 3 cups whole milk
• 5 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), melted (I have used Ghirahrdelli and Hersheys Special Dark chocolate chips with good results)
• 2 oz unsweetened chocolate, melted
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

For topping

• 3/4 cup chilled heavy cream 
• 1 tablespoon sugar

preparation

Make filling:
Whisk together sugar, cornstarch, salt, and yolks in a 3-quart heavy saucepan until combined well, then add milk in a stream, whisking. Bring to a boil over moderate heat, whisking, then reduce heat and simmer, whisking, 1 minute (filling will be thick).

Force filling through a fine-mesh sieve into a bowl, then whisk in chocolates, butter, and vanilla. Cover surface of filling with a buttered round of wax paper and cool completely, about 2 hours.

Spoon filling into crust and chill pie, loosely covered, at least 6 hours.

Make topping: (I know they sell whipped cream in a can, it's not the same. Make the whipped cream, trust me on this!)
Just before serving, beat cream with sugar in a bowl using an electric mixer until it just holds stiff peaks, then spoon on top of pie.

Everyday is a Winding Road

It's been a minute since I've posted, so I guess I'll update you on the goings-on here at The Love Shack. A week ago Big Daddy and I went in to work and at the end of our shift, Big Daddy was informed that the place would be shutting it's doors in 24-hours. While we were give one explanation, we're clear that there were many factors that lead to a simple bottom line: they weren't making money.

I know this was hard on Big Daddy, aside from the obvious, this job gave him a lot of creative freedom and a lot of really nice plans were made for the future before the reality of the situation set in. It reminds me of a quote from Mario Cuomo, "You campaign with poetry, but you govern with prose." In my experience all jobs are like that, some more so than others.

I have joked a lot about how everyone circled the wagons when the chef lost his job, but no one even noticed that my budding dish washing career ended just as it began. I actually liked that job. (My feet weren't always crazy about it, but that's another story.) One of the things I liked the most, and this may seem strange to some, was that every Sunday morning, I cleaned the bar bathrooms. Each week I had a gratitude meeting that I am no longer someone who would leave garbage on the floor anywhere. I was thankful that I no longer live in a bubble where I don't notice or care that when I leave a mess someone else has to clean it up. I was thankful that I got to be the one to clean up this time. I'm not being smug here. I got to pay back a debt and it felt good.

The good news is that we're doing just fine. Big Daddy has some side work and is interviewing for a very interesting opportunity. I am planning for the holidays with Yes, Chef! Today we're not afraid and are thankful that we can help others while we take steps to figure out what's next. Today we're drinking some joe and making plans. I hope your Monday is filled with good juju. Peace, love & coffee!

The Thanksgiving Project

This year we're having thirteen people over for Thanksgiving. That's fifteen total. Fifteen people will be in my little house on Thanksgiving day. We need a plan.

I started on the menu yesterday. My dad will be two weeks out of rehab and may be on a walker. My sister's in-laws are coming from Bulgaria. Our friends Carlos and Blakelee have just had a baby. Big Daddy will be working. I need a plan.

So I started yesterday. Step one: seating. Step two: funtivities. Step three: menu. Step four: schedule. Step five: ummmm yeah, we don't have enough silverware for all the guests. Can we have a Medieval Times table? Glad I'm working on a plan.

My main concern is keeping the kids happy. As a veteran of hosting holidays I have learned a big truth: if the kids don't have a good time, no one has a good time. With that thought in mind, I have planned several activities that should entertain/occupy all the kids from pre-teen to preschool. First they'll be making fall snack mix favors/place cards. Each kid has a job that matches their skill level. Then after lunch I have planned a fairly elaborate treasure hunt. This involves thirty or more clues that will lead them all around the house and yard. When they find the prize, it will be the stuff we need to play Thanksgiving Bingo. We are big fans of bingo in my family as it kills time, keeps everyone entertained and I offer cash/gift card prizes so the kids stay interested. This year I will be playing using a set that has pictures rather than numbers as we will have a pre-schooler and two non-English speakers as guests. I will keep you in the loop about my other plans and designs, but for now, I need to go find some silverware! Peace, love and timelines!

Wrestling with the Boogieman

When I get afraid, I get angry. Fear trembles in the corner and anger feels like control--I know that when I'm angry I'm actually less in control, but that's not how it feels. I've spent several days struggling with fear and anger and I am not winning these matches. So I'm going to talk about and see if I can steal some of the Boogieman's power.

When Big Daddy and I got together and married it was glorious. We had the kind of partnership that I'd always dreamed of and honestly it made me smug. I felt like we needed to be teaching classes, something along the lines of "Wedded Bliss for Dummies." We had challenges in those first couple of years but we were in so much awe and gratitude that we had each other that we worked through those challenges with a certain degree of grace, or maybe I imagined that part. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I wrote myself a fairy tale love story and I have absolutely no idea what's true and what's not. What I do know is now we're sliding in to our fifth year of married life and some of the glitter has fallen off and it's all over the floor and life at The Love Shack got real. We're having to talk about, deal with, cry about, fuss over, and slog through real challenges and trust me, there's no Disney music playing in the background. I have become painfully aware of my childish reactions to responsibility and the need for some serious growing up. I have made myself crazy trying to get back to some romantic ideal that doesn't fit into day-to-day life. I need a reality check. My expectation that we're supposed to be grateful and graceful all the time is beyond comic. I have been so afraid of turning into one of "those wives" that I have denied myself the connection that comes with admitting and even embracing the fact that we are taking a ride on "The Hot Mess Express."

Most of my struggles stem from the same place: the fear that I will not be taken care of. When financial problems arise, the monster under the bed tells me that time I won't get through it (in Scaryworld, there is no "we," it's just me, alone and not okay). When my family members are sick and struggling, the monster under my bed tells me that I am supposed to be handling it better. I need to be proactive. I need to make something happen. I am supposed to know what to do and how to do it with no instruction or experience.  When my husband's work situation isn't ideal, the monster under the bed tells me that our life is about to fall apart. When my work situation wanes or feels too busy, the monster under the bed tells me I will not be able to do what has to be done. When someone wants something from me and I don't follow through the way I should the monster under the bed tells me I've ruined all the good I've ever tried to do. All of these lies presuppose that it's up to me, that I am alone and unaided. All of this fear ignores the fact that my okay doesn't come from me, my bank account, my husband, my job, or my reputation. The grace I live in isn't from me, isn't about me and isn't contingent upon me. It's grace.

So today I am going to pray and move forward. I'm going to shine the light on those shadows that I've convinced myself are out to get me. I'm going to breathe in the grace and exhale all the insecurities. Today I'm going to be part of "we" and "us" and I'm going to remember that feelings aren't facts, but grace is. Peace, love & blessed messes!

E-Reader Love

I do love a gizmo. The only problem is that I am just not sitting on any fat stacks so I am not rocking the newest i-thing nor do I feel pressured to upgrade just because there's a new bell or whistle. I think that's why I've fallen in love with my Kindles. The e-reader to the left is #3 (I think). #1 wasn't charging right due to a wiggly connection so Amazon sent me #2 (no charge). I drowned #2 in a swimming pool (I actually had it in a Ziplock freezer bag so that it wouldn't get wet but in a fit of brilliance, I flipped that bag over to see if I had sealed it and um, it turns out, I hadn't) so Amazon sent me #3. I bought Steve #4 and then we got Kindle Fires. (I think I've replaced the Fire once as well). I have not had to pay for any of my replacements since they were covered under warranty and when Big Daddy's regular Kindle died after the warranty period was over, they offered him a replacement at discount. We actually used the discount on a Fire which was the newer/better version at that time.

So why do I love the e-reader better than I love "real books?" Let me count the ways:

1. Books on demand-I am a traveler and an insomniac. I also have very little patience so when the little bell in my brain goes off, I want it now! I love that I can choose a book at 3 a.m. and it's in my hand almost instantly.
2. Compact Library-I have over 100 books on my regular Kindle and over a dozen on my Fire. I have reference books, spiritual books, games, fiction and nonfiction at my fingertips. I don't have to know what I'm in the mood to read before I leave on a trip, I can take all of it with me without herniating myself. 
3. Cheap cheap! There are lots of ways to get cheap or free books for an e-reader. Most libraries offer e-books and the nice thing is that when they are due--they simply disappear.
4. Instant entertainment-with my Kindle Fire, I can play games, check my email, watch a movie (if I have wi-fi access and a movie account like Netflix or Amazon Prime), and read a book. I can also use the small back up battery I have for my phone as an additional power pack for extended use. Amazon offers a free app of the day so it's easy to stockpile apps in the cloud for times when I need to entertain a kid. I can add and remove those as needed without wasting space on my device if I'm not using Fruit Ninja.
5. Sharing is Caring-Big Daddy and I share an Amazon Prime account. This means that when either of us buys a book or an app, the other has access to them for free. While there's not a lot of overlap in our reading habits, there is some. We both downloaded Kindle versions of several spiritual books and the Hunger Games trilogy which kept us from needing to buy two copies of the same books. We can both watch movies on our Kindle Fire and we get free two-day shipping on all Amazon purchases (which can pay for the annual membership in no time)! 
6. Go greenish-there is less carbon footprint left by e-books and I don't have to dust my e-reader.
7. Word of the Day-I love that there is a dictionary attached to the e-reader so if I come upon a word or phrase I don't know about I can look it up instantly in either the dictionary or (with my Fire) in Wikipedia. Super handy feature!
8. Easy to carry=More reading. My Kindle is almost always with me so when I have to sit in a waiting room, I can read. When someone is late for lunch, I can read. When I'm hanging out waiting for my husband to get off work, I can read and if there's free wi-fi, I can also play Words With Friends. I figure anything that keeps me reading is a very good thing.

There are a few ways the Kindle isn't better.

1. You can't get a signed/collectible copy of an e-book. 
2. A Kindle book doesn't smell like a real book.
3. Some folks miss the heft of a real book--that's not a big thing for me, but I do understand the nostalgia.
4. It's not as easy to lend/pass on an e-book. 

I know that the e-reader is not for everyone. My mother misplaces her password and finds her e-reader frustrating because she doesn't use it enough to feel comfortable with it. My niece's Amazon account got hacked and there was a pretty big hassle getting that cleared up (although Amazon was very agreeable about it, it took my sister awhile to make the time to call and backtrack with the rep to get things straightened out). I have had nothing but a bunnies and rainbows experience with mine because I use it every day. I hope your day is filled with wonderful words and gizmos that make your life happy. Peace, love & literature!

The Write Stuff

I have a secret. I haven't been writing. I haven't been writing anything--not my blog, not my daily inventory, not even a journal entry. This is not good. This is not good at all.

When I'm not writing, I'm playing hide and go seek with myself and it creates some symptoms that tend to get worse the longer I ignore them. The first symptom is sloth. I get lazy. I don't ride my bike. I don't eat like I'm supposed to. I don't completely quit anything, I'm just not doing enough to improve. I'm not heaping on any pounds but I'm not losing either and historically this means, "What's the use anyway?" is just around the corner. Clutter begins to take over my home. I make grocery lists but I just don't know if I have the will to actually go to the store to buy the food because if I buy it, I'm obligated to cook it. Sigh.

The next symptom is decreased tolerance. I find myself reading links on Facebook that I KNOW are going to annoy me and then I remove the person who posted the link from my news feed. I become Jen the Great and Powerful in my own living room. I rant internally. I roll my eyes. I start diagnosing folks. I do a lot of arm chair quarterbacking other people's problems. Sometimes during this phase I take on a cause, like straightening out Walmart's price match policy, or I set out to debunk every inaccurate link I can find. (Snopes people, just check snopes before you post!)

If the sloth and the intolerance don't get me, the next phase will because this one sort of demands attention. This is the catastrophic meltdown phase. Sometimes this manifests in a full on fight with someone else and sometimes it's just a one-woman weepfest. At this point, I'm not even pretending to function. I'm mad, I'm wounded, and life is terrible. Sniffle, sniffle. I use a lot of absolute statements during this phase--it's always been this way, this never changes, I can't, I just can't do this...sniffle, sniffle.

So I take out my composition notebook and a good pen. I sit down with a cup of coffee and I begin confessing my sins to some blue parallel lines. I begin, "I haven't written in a while. I don't know why. Well, yes, I do. There are things I don't want to look at. There are things I don't think I'm ready to take action on. There are things about me that I don't want to face. I'm angry. I'm afraid..." And the healing begins again. I write down the BS and then I write out the truth.  I discover that I am angry and it's not fair. That's the truth and it's okay. I still have to participate. I still need to contribute. I still ought to try. After I write all of this down, I know that I can do what needs to be done. I don't have to want to. I don't have to like it. I don't have to do it forever, but I need to do something today. I'm going to do something today.

If you need to do some writing to get unstuck, I have a few suggestions:
1. Write in a cheap notebook. There's entirely too much pressure when one buys a $75 leather bound journal. The kind of writing one does to get unstuck is messy. It's not a bunch of $75 deep thoughts it's a bit more barf baggish. Buy a notebook you don't mind being sick in.
2. Write fast. Write faster than the little perfectionist in your head can critique. Get rid of all the rules of grammar and punctuation. This is not an essay. This is "the plane is going down and I have five minutes to get this on paper" writing.
3. Keep the pen moving. Set a timer for five or ten minutes and keep writing no matter what. When you get stuck, write, "I am stuck. This is dumb. I don't want to do this. What is the point. I am stuck. So what. I don't care. My hand hurts but I'm going to keep writing even though I don't want to..." Eventually something is going to splash out. If you don't have a timer at hand decide to write two pages front and back. Push yourself farther than you want to go.
4. Feel free to be angry. It's okay to curse. Seriously. If you feel it, write it! Let it out. You can burn the notebook later but for now, just tell the truth! There are people growing tumors because they aren't letting their anger out--don't make yourself sick. Use your cheap notebook as your personal padded cell. Bounce off the walls. There are no rules in here.
5. If you are afraid of someone else reading your notebook put it away. Lock it in your glove box or put it in a box in the garage. Slip it under a mattress. You can find a hiding place. I believe in you. (Big Daddy used to read my journals but I don't think he does anymore. They really aren't that exciting.)

I hope this silly blog helps someone. I really do. Maybe it just helps me and that's enough. Ya'll have a good weekend and if you get stuck, get to writing! Peace, love & fountain pens!